Assertiveness is Built, Not Demanded
PERSONAL GROWTHLEADERSHIP MASTERYCUSTOMER EXPERIENCE


Assertiveness is a situational skill, shaped by how confident and prepared we feel in any given moment. Whether you’re managing a team, speaking to senior leaders, or handling a difficult customer, assertiveness is less about forcefulness and more about clear, confident communication.
Assertiveness is often misunderstood as a personality trait—something you either have or you don’t. But the truth is, assertiveness is not a fixed part of who we are; it’s situational. Most of us are assertive in certain contexts and with certain people, but in other situations, we may find ourselves holding back, uncertain of how to express our thoughts.
Why is it that sometimes we speak with clarity and confidence, and at other times, we hesitate? The answer lies in recognizing that assertiveness is not about who you are as a person, but about the situation you’re in. Assertiveness is built through knowledge, conviction, and confidence—and these elements change depending on our environment and the people we interact with.
Assertiveness is Situational
Consider this: you’re in a conversation with someone you know well, perhaps a close friend or colleague. You feel comfortable, you understand the topic, and you can speak with confidence. Now, imagine a situation where you’re addressing a group of senior leaders or dealing with a challenging client. You might feel less certain, hold back, or soften your message. Why the difference?
Assertiveness is highly situational. It depends on how well you understand the subject matter, how comfortable you feel with the person you’re speaking to, and how confident you are in expressing your position. In familiar, low-pressure situations, assertiveness comes naturally. But when the stakes are high or the relationship is uncertain, assertiveness can diminish.
The key is realizing that assertiveness is not about having an assertive personality; it’s about being able to communicate confidently in a given situation. And that confidence comes from knowing your stuff and believing in what you’re saying.
Assertiveness With People
Just as assertiveness is situational, it also varies with different people. You might feel completely at ease expressing your thoughts to peers or team members, but hesitate when communicating with a senior executive or someone you perceive as more powerful. Similarly, you might be assertive with friends but find yourself more reserved in formal settings.
This inconsistency isn’t a weakness—it’s human nature. The level of assertiveness we display depends largely on the relationships we have with the people we’re interacting with and how comfortable we feel in their presence. Assertiveness is about adapting—adjusting your communication style while maintaining clarity and confidence.
The Formula for Assertiveness:
Since assertiveness is situational, it’s important to understand how to build it. The foundation of assertive communication lies in three critical elements: knowledge, confidence, and conviction.
1. Knowledge
Knowledge is the cornerstone of assertiveness. When you fully understand the subject matter, you naturally feel more secure in what you’re saying. Whether you’re speaking to a colleague, a customer, or an executive, having a solid grasp of the facts allows you to communicate with clarity and authority.
In customer service, for instance, when a representative knows the product inside and out, they’re less likely to hesitate when delivering a resolution—because they know they’re right. The same applies in any work or life scenario: the better prepared you are, the more assertive you’ll be.
2. Confidence
Confidence is the natural byproduct of knowledge. When you know your subject well, you don’t just regurgitate information—you speak with assurance. Confidence allows you to express yourself clearly without wavering, even in challenging situations. The more knowledgeable and prepared you are, the more likely you are to project confidence, which naturally leads to assertiveness.
However, confidence is not something that can be faked. If you're unsure about what you're saying or feel unprepared, this uncertainty will show through, and assertiveness will falter. It’s important to build confidence through thorough preparation and a strong understanding of the subject at hand.
3. Conviction
Perhaps the most overlooked element of assertiveness is conviction. Conviction is the belief in what you’re saying—standing behind your words, even when they may be challenged. It’s one thing to know the facts, but another to truly believe in the message you’re delivering. Without conviction, assertiveness can quickly turn into uncertainty, and when that happens, we may overcompensate by becoming defensive or aggressive.
This is where the distinction between assertiveness and aggression becomes important. Assertiveness is about standing your ground with confidence and clarity. Aggression, on the other hand, is a response to feeling uncertain or threatened. It often arises when someone tries to force their point without truly believing in it—or when their confidence is shaky. Assertiveness comes from a place of calm, while aggression comes from a place of insecurity.
The Line Between Assertiveness and Aggression
It’s critical to understand the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts and needs clearly, confidently, and respectfully. It’s about delivering your message in a way that encourages dialogue and mutual respect.
Aggression, on the other hand, is forceful and confrontational. It shuts down conversation and leaves no room for understanding. Often, when we lack confidence or conviction, we risk becoming aggressive because we’re trying to push our point without feeling fully secure in it.
This distinction is especially important in customer service, where the goal is to maintain positive relationships with customers while providing clear and confident resolutions. A representative who is unsure of themselves may become defensive or overly firm, creating tension rather than resolving the issue. Assertiveness, by contrast, conveys confidence without hostility.
A Customer Service Example
Let’s apply this formula to a practical scenario in customer service. Imagine a representative is handling a call where the customer’s request needs to be declined. Even though the representative knows the correct answer and has followed the proper procedure, if they lack assertiveness, the customer may feel unsure about the resolution.
If the representative speaks with knowledge and confidence, and truly believes in the solution being offered, the customer is far more likely to accept the decision. On the other hand, if the rep is uncertain, hesitant, or overly defensive, the customer will sense that doubt and may challenge the resolution or seek a second opinion by calling back.
The difference between a successful resolution and an unresolved issue often comes down to how the message is delivered. A confident, knowledgeable, and assertive representative communicates certainty, while a hesitant or aggressive one creates doubt.
Assertiveness is Built Through Knowledge and Conviction
Assertiveness is not a personal trait—it’s a skill that is built through knowledge, confidence, and conviction. It varies by situation and relationship, but when we are well-prepared and believe in what we’re saying, we can communicate assertively and effectively.
In any aspect of work or life, assertiveness helps us stand our ground without crossing into aggression. By focusing on building knowledge, confidence, and conviction, we can develop the assertiveness needed to navigate difficult conversations, handle challenges with ease, and communicate with clarity and respect.